Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Wife

I admit to having a big mouth. I lack a certain filter that most people use to stop themselves before saying something stupid. I'm always saying things that I instantly regret to my wife. It's a miracle I'm still married.

After she elbowed me in the middle of the night to get me to stop snoring…

"Stop it you fat piece of fat!"

After dropping a bag full of pink tools on her lap...

"Happy Mother's Day. Don't touch my tools."

While she was getting dressed one morning...

"Giving birth to two kids has really made your stomach look like Freddy Krueger's face."

After handing me supper…

"It must be so hard to slave over a hot microwave all day."

I wanted to be sure I hadn't missed our anniversary...

"When is our anniversary? Really? We've been married for that long- ughhhh."

After she got home from work...

"I taught the kids to call you 'Woman' instead of 'Mom'"

After she spent all morning setting up a new patio…

"Way to level the tiles there Bob Vila…"

Looking out the window one day...

"A girl only wearing a bikini just ran up the road- I'm gonna go see if she needs help."

After she left me a note saying dinner's in the fridge...

"The next time you go grocery shopping and come back with 'light' this and 'no trans fat' that... I'm going to go shopping and replace all your clothes with size zero jeans and tube tops."

I love my wife with all of my heart. Without her I would have gone to film school, followed my dreams and be a happy person... ;)

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